Arkansas: Part 4

As I left Arkansas and began the long drive back to Colorado . . .

I knew . . . I would be back.

Words fail me when I try to explain what I felt those 15 hours and 32 minutes . . .

those 913 miles back to Colorado. It felt like an eternity. Mile after endless mile.

I turned off the radio. Turned off my cell phone. Turned off the noise.

Left only with my thoughts.

And I drove.

So many emotions raced through me.

Excitement of what was to be. Sadness of what I would be leaving.

Joy in what could be. Heartache of what I would be missing.

Tears.

Once again.

Tears were something that I use to hold back.

Tears were something I use to fight.

Tears . . . were now . . . beautiful.

July 15, 2009

First day back in Colorado.

A new question started to make things come to a quick reality,

When do I leave?

Do I leave as quickly as possible? Do I give my notice to work now? Do I wait?

If I do wait . . . how long should I wait? Hmmm . . . there was still my lease. It was the only thing that really kept me in Colorado. It ended October 31^st. I could pay to get out of it . . . but that would cost a lot of money. I could maybe find someone to take over for me . . . but that would be quite complicated. I could move and try to find a way to pay two rents . . .

In this moment . . . I had literally given myself a headache trying to figure out how I was going to do this. How would I make this all work.

I thought . . . this is it. This is when I need to start doing something.

I have to do something. I have to do this!!

Once again a calm, soothing, soft voice . . . slowly began to speak to my

anxious heart . . .

“Be still . . . and know that I am God.”

Those words still echo in my heart to this very day. Be still . . . Know that HE is God. To be honest . . . I didn’t really know what that looked like. I was so accustomed to doing. Even if the doing was pointless. Being busy . . . had consumed my life.

I thrived on it.

I was addicted to it.

But in this moment . . . all of that changed. . . . I changed.

I would wait till my lease ended in October.

I would enjoy these last 4 months I had in Colorado.

I would spend time with my amazing parents and seek their wisdom through all of this.

I would cherish every moment with Becca, my precious little sister . . . my best friend.

I would engage in every deep conversation I could with my roommate Stephanie,

my heart and soul.

I would love and encourage my staff at work. My epic dream team!!

The people who had captured my heart . . . that is who I would invest in.

This is all I would be . . . doing.

“Be still . . . and know that I am God.”

It seemed so contradictory to not make plans or pursue the “task at hand”. But the promise of . . . “It can really be this easy. If you let Me do this . . . it can be this easy” . . . penetrated my heart. This was no longer just a thought, it was becoming a state of being. Resting in His promises and trusting in His goodness.

Where else would I rather be?

A few weeks later I was driving to work. My routine route . . . the interstate.

The best part about my drive. The view. The majestic Rocky Mountains on my left.

If you don’t already know . . . I am a Colorado girl. Through and through. I love the mountains and everything that comes with them. One of my favorite things to do . . . snowboard. There is something about being so close to His creation. Most of the time I enjoy being by myself. The sound of my board carving into the snow . . . and the amazing times I have with God. It was something I cherished and really learned to love. As I continued to drive and glance at those amazing mountains . . . what I thought to be a silly question . . . kept coming to mind . . . .

“Lord can I please keep my snowboard? You know how much I love to ride and how much I love the mountains. I know there will be no use for it in Arkansas . . . but it really is special to me. But then again, You already know this.”

That calm, soothing, soft voice of the Lord . . . slowly began to speak once again.

“Of course you can.

I love that time with you.

I cherish it more than you do.

I would love it if you keep your board.”

But the voice didn’t stop there like I expected it to.

“And . . . I want you to know something else . . . it’s alright for Colorado to always be home, whether you are here or not . . . it’s ok . . . it can always be home.”

I didn’t even realize that I needed to hear this . . . but after my heart heard it . . .

A peace that I will never be able to capture in words . . . saturated my soul.